TODAY, I AM MOSTLY WEARING...

...jeans and a HIDEOUS BLUE QUILTED JACKET THING that my husband bought me AGAINST MY WISHES.
My sister and brother-in-law will remember the occasion well. We were in Rackhams in Skipton, had just had a cuppa in their restaurant - well actually the boys had had a cooked breakfast, while the girls looked on enviously then nibbled their low calorie fruit salads (only joking, I had a danish pastry!) - and Helen and I decided to have a little look round the ladies fashions, as you do. Charles, as is his wont, wandered off on his own a bit and, after wasting valuable browsing time looking for him, I eventually discovered him at the cash desk IN THE SECTION FOR THE MORE MATURE WOMAN!! (This is an area to be avoided at all costs until at least you are confined to a bath chair and unable to put up any meaningful protest when some kindly carer takes you for a nice little trip to the shops, Dear!
Anyway, horror of horrors, he was busy paying for something! With a big smile on his face he proudly announced, 'I've bought you something!' to which I, somewhat ungraciously responded, 'Well I hope it's not something a middle aged woman would wear'. (At this point the sixteen year old shop assistant visibly blanched and tried her utmost to stifle a snigger, but clearly failed as I noticed she was trying to stifle it. Can you see where I'm going with this?)
Undeterred, Charles completed the transaction and handed over the bag with an expectant look on his face, while Helen and Bill looked on in the background, excited anticipation all over THEIR faces. MY face, however, could probably have been described as looking as if I was sucking a lemon as, when I tentatively peeped in it was to discover some NAVY BLUE QUILTED THING nestling in the COUNTY CASUALS bag. 'Aaaaaargh! What is it? Take it back! Get your money refunded! I wouldn't be seen dead in that! It's possibly the worst thing I've ever seen!'
NAVY BLUE - I DON'T DO NAVY BLUE EVER. Do I possess one garment in that colour? Is it not a colour for elderly ladies that they sometimes dress up with hints of shocking pink, or red and white if they're feeling patriotic and usually wear with a matching hat?
And QUILTED -  in my honest opinion THE ONLY THINGS THAT SHOULD EVER BE QUILTED ARE DUVETS.
'But it will be really useful when we've got the dogs', Charles muttered, trying not to look at Bill, his brother-in-law who was bent double doing his Mutley impersonation and no doubt thinking, 'You'd never find ME making a fashion boo-boo like that Charles'.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, as soon as we got back home, the garment was hidden away at the back of the wardrobe and there it remained, until the other day when I must have had a brainstorm. When there was nobody around I dug it out and tried the thing on and -yes - IT WAS AS HIDEOUS AS I KNEW IT WOULD BE - but it was also quite warm and comfy, in a sort of middle-aged person's jacket sort of way.
So I have worn it this morning. Only in secret, in the garden of course, and if anyone should ever happen to see me in it I would probably make up an excuse like, 'Oh this old thing? It belongs to my mother. She left it behind after her last visit and I'm only wearing it because it was on the peg by the door and it was handy." Or I could get it printed across the back with the words, 'I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS JACKET. BLAME MY HUSBAND!'