BUT I'm still relatively new to puppy owning and when I set off to Morpeth at 9.30 this morning all I could think about, from the moment I pulled off the drive was, 'How quickly can I get back to the puppies?'
I had a shopping list for stuff for dessert tomorrow night and for the weekend supplies we will need as James is coming to stay for a couple of nights. (A mini-break in Fram no less!) I had also worked out that if I did something that resembled a sprint from Morrisons car park I could get to Dorothy Perkins and back in about five minutes, having purchased the most gorgeous pair of lacy boots, as advertised in this week's Grazia magazine. (Don't worry Charles - they only cost £45 - and they are the last word in gorgeousness, which is quite unusual for Dotty P)
So, by my reckoning I should only have had to leave the puppies for an hour and ten minutes. No problem!
EXCEPT - It took me fifteen of those precious minutes to get out of our village. Yep - the 'resorfacing' is really happening and the entire stretch of main road is dug up and therefore chaotic. It was like JCB gridlock out there and unfortunately I was following the bus, which couldn't go anywhere, even when it COULD go, if you see what I mean, BECAUSE THERE WAS NO ROOM.
At this point I need to say that to the best of my knowledge this must be about the fourth time in the last six years or so that the road has been 'resorfaced'. SO WHY DOES IT NEED DOING AGAIN? WHY DIDN'T YOU GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME?
That aside, before I'd even got past David's shop, I was already down on my time by 15 minutes, so wasn't overly happy, but then once I DID get on the main road I got stuck behind...
...THE GRITTING WAGON!
WHY ARE YOU OUT NOW? IT'S SUNNY AND WARM FOR GOD'S SAKE. GET OFF THE ROAD AND COME BACK AT MIDNIGHT IF YOU MUST - JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY - OR DRIVE A BIT FASTER THAN 20 MILES A DAY.
Then I noticed a black car behind me who kept flashing his lights. WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG? IS IT BECAUSE I'M NOT OVERTAKING THIS GRITTING WAGON? HAVE I GOT MY INDICATOR ON? WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?
When the black car overtook me, the driver even started gesticulating at me. WHAT THE...
...then I realised that the driver was in fact MY DAUGHTER WAVING AT ME!
By this time I was pretty tense and, once I'd eventually got past the gritter myself, I realised that my time had now been cut by about half an hour. 'At this rate I'll just have to turn round and go straight back', I thought.
But I carried on regardless until I got to the turn off for Morpeth where there are MORE ROADWORKS and I got stuck in another queue for ten minutes waiting to join the A1 for the twenty yards I need to be on it before I turn OFF it again!
I eventually pulled into the car park after a journey that normally takes 15 minutes, but had in fact taken 40!
Right, quick sprint to get my boots. Run run...
... forgot the ticket for the car park...
...run run back, get ticket, drop ticket, chase it round a bit, drop keys, get back to car, put ticket in window,
run, run ,run - must get those boots, run, run...
DOROTHY PERKINS IN MORPETH HAVEN'T GOT THEM IN STOCK YET!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Run back to Morrisons.
Too many OLD PEOPLE in the way - MOVE YOU OLD PEOPLE, HAVEN'T YOU GOT PUPPIES AT HOME WAITING FOR YOU?
Get to Morrisons - GRRRRRRRRR - MORE OLD PEOPLE CLUTTERING UP THE AISLES and squeezing all the oranges and handpicking their potatoes - 'Ooooh I don't want THAT one it's a bit small' - WELL PUT IT BACK THEN!
Too many people in the way. Eventually I get to the checkout, only to discover I've forgotten castor sugar for the pavlova, so unload half the trolley - COS I'M NOT LOSING MY PLACE IN THIS QUEUE - run to find castor sugar, remember I've left handbag in trolley, run back for bag, run for sugar, get back to queue - NOTHING'S MOVED.
That's because the man who is trying to pay can't get his card to work! 'It's just a new one,' he said wiping it on his trousers, "Don't worry I've got plenty of time'.
Well YOU might have, BUT I HAVEN'T. My pups have probably burst out of their crate, having obviously grown to huge proportions and are devouring all the electric cables in the house, which is now in flames...
Eventually he gets his smear free card to work. "Gosh, are you still here?' one assistant asked him. YES HE IS BUT NOT FOR MUCH LONGER. SHIFT!!!!!
And now it's MY turn. "Would you like help with your packing?' WHY, Do I look OLD? I MIGHT HAVE BEEN IN HERE FOR A LONG TIME BUT IT SURELY HASN'T PUT THAT MANY YEARS ON ME! 'No thank you, it might be a struggle, but I'll manage somehow.'
And then the ever helpful checkout lady says, conspiratorially...
'Have you been watching X factor?'
WHAT????
To which I politely replied, 'Er yes'
Cashier: 'Who do you think is going to win?'
Me: 'Well I quite like Jamie Afro but...
Cashier: (Looks disapproving) 'On no! I've got £20 on Ollie and £10 on Joe and when I put it on the odds were...
drone drone drone
'And my husband said, you haven't put money on...'
drone drone drone
'And the twins are now at...'
OH FOR GOD'S SAKE SHUT UP AND PUT MY SHOPPING PAST THAT BARCODE THING AND THEN MAYBE YOU CAN GIVE ME THE ODDS ON ME GETTING OUT OF HERE BEFORE THE MAN BEHIND ME IN THE QUEUE MURDERS ME - HEY LISTEN MATE, I DIDN'T START THIS CONVERSATION - SHE DID!
Get out of shop, unload trolley, won't fit in boot, put heavy bag on passenger seat, take trolley back to trolley park.
'I'll give you £1 for that trolley before you put it away' said a little (old) woman.
'NO YOU WON'T, IT'S GOT MY SPECIAL MORRISON'S TOKEN IN IT AND YOU'RE NOT HAVING THAT'.
Start driving out of Morpeth and the car starts beeping at me. What the hell's THAT? Look around, red light flashing - SEAT BELT - but I've got it on. Then I realise that my very intelligent car thinks that the bag of shopping is in fact A PASSENGER WHO ISN'T WEARING A SEAT BELT! Throw bag of shopping on floor - oh hell, I forgot I put the eggs on the top...
Start driving out of Morpeth and the car starts beeping at me. What the hell's THAT? Look around, red light flashing - SEAT BELT - but I've got it on. Then I realise that my very intelligent car thinks that the bag of shopping is in fact A PASSENGER WHO ISN'T WEARING A SEAT BELT! Throw bag of shopping on floor - oh hell, I forgot I put the eggs on the top...
Get out of Morpeth and back up the A697, where, of course I get stuck behind a lorry with a huge crane on the back, that I just KNOW is going to be needed up in Fram, so end up in slow moving traffic all the way to the outskirts of the village, where I sit at the lights for another 15 minutes, seething and imagining all sorts of puppy related horrors at home. You have to go 'in convoy' so have to wait for the convoy van to do a million point turn and eventually get round the corner, only to find I can't get home because the road is blocked by...
...JCBs AND THE CRANE THAT I'VE FOLLOWED ALL THE WAY HOME!
'GET THE CONVOY VAN TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DRIVE WITHOUT SNARLING THE ROAD UP COMPLETELY'.
Arrive home, turn off engine, pull on boots, get out of car, put keys in pocket, get them out again because the front door key is on there, put key in lock and tiptoe into house looking for signs of devastation and sniffing for the unmistakable scent of poop...
... only to find that the puppies were fast asleep and hadn't missed me one bit!!!!!!!!
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